Nom nom nom

I have a bit of a morbid fascination with gyms. They are strange places and they seem to attract some very interesting stereotypes. It makes me wonder whether gyms buy the stereotypes online and have them delivered in little labeled boxes. Let me illustrate:


Body Nazi’s:

This package includes tribal tattoos, bulging biceps and tiny calves, army haircut, visible scars, skin-tight gym shirt or vest, golden-orange skin and a heavy southern accent. Known to use at least one of the following words after every sentence: ‘boet’, ‘bra’ (as in brother and not as in the underwire garment), ‘right hey’ or ‘shweet’.

Desperate housewives:

Includes fake boobs, pink lip-gloss, frilly bra, tight gym pants with matching low-cut top and towel and bleach blonde or dyed black hair. This package comes doused in perfume and is often seen hanging around the water cooler or weights section. Been known to dig her manicured nails into innocent young boys and beefy, body Nazi’s if given half a chance.

Peacocks:

Includes a majority of the items in the desperate housewife package except these girls are half their age, don’t smile, never seem to break a sweat and never leave the cardio or mat sections. Looking good is top priority and therefore doing something which expends energy at gym jeopardizes this. These girls are on ‘display’ and therefore come fully clad in all the latest gym kit with matching I-pod.

Salmon:

These guys spend their entire life in the gym working out until they are pink-in-the-face and exhausted. Ultimately, they get screwed in the end with a fairly tragic outcome - they never get any bigger.

Elephants:

Usually pair up with the Body Nazi’s or are found in pairs. These guys barge in, make a lot of noise, drop weights on the floor and broadcast to the entire gym in their trumpeting voice how many weights they can lift. These packages move through the weights section leaving devastation and sweat patches in their wake.

Tourists:

People who attend one class, once a week, pretend that they are practically dying in the class and leave half an hour before the class ends. Usually overweight, wear tight Lycra leggings and large baggy t-shirts.

Yuppie schoolboys:

Vest or t-shirt, shorts, sneakers, protein shake and I-pod. Always found in the weights section, usually in pairs. Aim to lift the heaviest weights possible in order to catch the eye of a Skinny, no-fun package as she walks past.

I am not sure what I would define myself as. Definitely not any of the stereotypes above. I always wondered how girls looked so perfect at gym because I look more like a blushing beetroot after a work-out. I suppose I could categorise myself as a hamster. I am the type of person who goes to gym to run on the hamster wheel, just so that I can go home and stuff my pouches with delicious food and not feel guilty! Running on a treadmill is the most mind numbing exercise, but when you can’t get out of your cage to run on the road, what else is there to do? :)